To the One We Were Not Expecting

I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant and just took a loaf of banana bread out of the oven because my current craving is ANY baking. Last night I knew that I wanted to write out my thoughts about having four children, 4 years old and younger but where do I even start? I thought maybe I could write a letter to this sweet baby that is coming.

To the one we were not expecting,

I am about to give birth to you during a pandemic, called COVID-19. It’s the strangest time we are living in, one for the history books. Our lives have completely shifted and most things are closed down or changed in some way. There will not be any visitors to your hospital room, even your siblings won’t be able to come meet you when you are born. It’ll just be Daddy, Mommy, and you - our sweet new baby.
God knew all along that we would have you but we sure didn’t expect you. I actually expected our family to possibly be finished having kids, or at least wait a few years before having any more because let’s face it, even having 3 young kids 3 and under is a big undertaking for anyone. Maybe you will understand that one day.
But, on August 31st, 2019, we found out that you would be joining our family. And to be perfectly honest, I cried when I saw the positive test.
First my jaw dropped, literally dropped. And then I cried.
I cried when I told my mom and sister.
I cried because of this overwhelming feeling that I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t possibly be a mother to 4 kids so young, not a good one at least.
I felt under qualified.
Inadequate.
I cried because there is an incredible amount of women that struggle to get pregnant or will not be able to have biological children when they REALLY want to and here I was, crying out of sadness that I was pregnant again.
I felt guilty for being sad.
I couldn’t even tell David for a while because I felt anxious. How could I possibly do this?

But in the days and weeks that followed, God swooped in and said “Here child, come to me and I will give you rest.” I felt God’s peace that surpasses understanding. God already knew that I would be pregnant with you and He would be with me every single day. It was the same peace I felt some time after we lost your sibling at 8 weeks old in 2016. The same peace and rest that immediately swept over me as your sister Kovie was wheeled out of the room soon after she was born so the doctors could help her breathe. It’s a peace I can’t wrap my head around and don’t need to, I just need to receive it.

Of course there are many moments where I can still feel overwhelmed, but I’m human. You’ll find out pretty quickly that I try hard to do my best but I’ll just fail sometimes as your mom. And you will fail too. And together, we get to reset and rely on God to walk us through the darker days. My biggest prayer is that you would know God and love him more than anything else and feel this peace that I’ve been talking about.

Finally, we don’t know your name yet, but we know that you are getting some sweet sweet siblings in Cairo, Ezri and Kovie. Cairo will probably want to play sports with you and show you all of his favourite teams’ logos. Ezri will definitely bring you toys, stuffies, blankets, etc. She is really good at taking care of things so I see her just loving on you. Kovie really pulled her weight and is already walking. Thanks to her, I will only need to hold one baby around the house and that is you!

To the one we were not expecting, we cannot wait to see what you bring to this family team and know that you are already loved so deeply by the 5 of us.

Love,
your mom.

Thank you KV Photography for these sweet family photos